This blog is a companion to the book I am publishing called I SURVIVED THIS HIT.
The book documents a very strange and traumatizing life.
MY LIFE!
My abusers and tormentors were good at making it look like I was such a bad person and that they were the victims.
This companion blog will hold thoughts that are not really book worthy as they pertain to recent events and realizations that just would not fit in the book.
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I SURVIVED THIS SHIT has yet to be published. I have some work to do on it still.
Untill then please enjoy my other book EDGE OF SANITY, it's a poetry book.
https://www.createspace.com/4208152
MARCH 9,2013
I am beginning to think they were right.
What if I do just want what other people have/get?
I live in fear of this everyday now.
I question every illness.
Every injury.
Every thought.
Every desire.
I am constantly asking myself if it's real or desire.
My life is slowly becoming unbearable.
It's becoming so bad that even if something was needed that was life or death situation I would have a difficult time doing it.
Especially if someone else had already had it/had it done or was needing it done.
This is going to cause many very bad things in my life I fear.
And I fear I am helpless to fix this as I refuse to live behind a happy pill bottle.
Is it so wrong that I put those in need or that I care about ahead of me?
If i was facing something, no matter how close to what I was facing I was, if I saw a person I cared about in a much worse state either physically or mentally I would not hesitate to put myself on hold and help or be there for them.
for some reason i feel that I can always wait.
Is that fucked up?
MARCH 12, 2013
Well, a quick net search confirmed my worst fears and that I will just have to suffer as no doctor for years, exception being the OBs from my pregnancies, will take me serious.
I have a deviated septum.
I have no idea which kind or how bad as i know if it try to say this to mu dr i will be seen as just wanting what hubby recently had fix and they wont go further than a remedial look and if its not up in your grill obvious i will just have to either take the band aid placebo get out of my office and shut up that they will give me or do what i have had to do my whole fucking life, shut up and put up until it almost kills me :|
Why is like this no matter what I do?
I miss my dr from Battle Ground.
He would have listened and done whatever it took to ether quell my fears or prove them. He understood that I was never digging for anything but that I was just concerned, and had a right to be.
I am just so sick and tired.
Literally.
Of the band-aids.
Why is it that people with less get more than I do?
Why do I have to hurt all the time and then be told oh well sorry we cant help you, we refuse to fix you?
What makes me so much less than other people?
Is it my weight?
Well i am loosing it and if i get treated differently after I will say why did you treat me poorly when i was chubby?
Why didn't you try to help me then?
Ask me what I was doing about my weight? I would have told you. I would have then been able to ask for the help loosing it more efficiently because you would have brought it up and my shame of what I did to myself would have been lessened.
If the denial and being ignored, pushed out the door with a band aid doesn't
. stop after the weight loss/removal...i have no idea how that will affect me...no idea what so ever...but i can imagine poorly will be in there somewhere...
It will more than likely mean that I will never ever return to a dr office or ER unless I am unable to say no or stop it i.e a bad car accident or a stroke or very bad heart attack.
I mean why go ask if nothing gonna happen anyway?
Looks like unless I can afford a nurse anything i need is out for a while.
Molly got a job and I cant ask her to not get paid just because i hate things about myself.
FML
MARCH 15 2013
I do not know how many of you believe in this stuff but I do and that's all that matters right now.
I have a spirit box on my tablet.
For those of you who do not know a spirit box allows you to speak with spirits obviously.
Some people say they don't work and some do. I am a believer and here is why.
2 days after hubbys nose surgery I was calling my BFF Shelly who passed from cancer complication pneumonia last year and her first words were BILL WITH HEAD. Coincidence? I think not. Especially after yesterdays call to my dead adoptive mom. I asked her why my nose is all fucked up and her first words were SNOW WAGON WASHINGTON COMPOUND. Background here : I am originally from WA ST. We hardly ever get enough snow in the Vancouver area to make any difference We owned a 1968 Chevy WAGON when I was a little one called the Blue Mule. Now i am guessing she was telling me that there was an accident in that car in the snow and i broke my nose in it. I guess I should ask her why she never got that fixed, ever...
But ty for the info anyway bitch.
I guess its a good thing I don't recall that accident. I hate nose pain.
MARCH 18, 2013
Who remembers records? Vynal records. And, yes, they still make 'em. What did you think DJ's were scratching, their head?
I remember them and the frustration that came with buying a 45 single and it was scratched and you can't find another, anywhere...
MARCH 20 2013
First day of spring.
It's shitty here. Rain and wind and cold and crap. This is the Idaho desert, not the PNW rain forest. WTF!?!
Also...
What is it with me being attracted to differently sexually orientented men? As long as I can remember I have been attracted to gay men, drag queens, bi men (not that I don't like straight men I have dated quite a few) and now I am married to a trans mtf who is still pre op and I am kinda hoping my partner gets the boobs but keeps the penis.
Hey kinky is cool! ;)
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