Why the fuck do you act this way?
If I had a 1$ for every time any ass has said this shit to me...
Well, I guess I cant blame you. You have no idea what I went thru until I was 30. And if I told you would you believe me or even listen? Would you just sit/stand there with your condescending look and pretend to be giving a shit, or, would you be honestly listening to a real life horror story that will fuck with your head for years to come by making you ask the same question as the opener to this post only "why the fuck did they act that way?", or are you a bully too?
I react the ways I do because I am fucking tired of being bullied, called a liar, told it's all in my head, told "you didn't have it bad", and just plain ignored when i cry out for help.
Stop telling me I have "mommy issues". Well no shit Sherlock! Thank God it was an ADOPTIVE mom and not my birth mom. Does not make it easier.
UNTIL ALL testing, surgeries, or whathaveyou have been done stop fucking saying its somatoform
disorder! When ALL other possibilities have been exhausted we can explore that option, but NOT UNTIL such time as the afore mentioned has taken place.
MY adoptive mom was normal...until she fell on some sword ferns, got an abscess she refused to go see the Dr. about, it went toxic, she almost died, and I believe the toxins got in her brain and finished fracturing what was able to help keep her stable and sane.
Adoptive mom told me stories, and I hope these were not just BS to get attention, about her mom severely abusing her as a child, neglecting her and withholding attention from her.
Adoptive mom did all that to me sans the severe abuse. I wont talk about adoptive moms abuse here but I will make a post later. Don't know when but later.
Adoptive mom unwillingly gave up an alcoholic lifestyle when she legally kidnapped me from my birth mom. Her only daughter BTW.
Instead of helping my birth mom figure shit out as a 20 y/o single mom she constantly gave my birth mom shit about being a failure and goaded on her daily to just give her the baby, a.k.a. me.
Sadly birth mom gave in. And this is why I call it legally kidnapped.
Adoptive mom liked to hang with drunkards. She would take them in. SO, I grew up thinking that the way drunken stoners act when they are pissed/sad/upset is how you act. The electrician did a shitty job wiring my brain.
This, along with MANY other poor wiring options, shaped me fucked up.
I am getting better, slowly, as remembers come to the surface, but, yeah, that's why the fuck I act this way.
Friday, September 12, 2014
Saturday, March 9, 2013
I SURVIVED THIS SHIT book companion blog
This blog is a companion to the book I am publishing called I SURVIVED THIS HIT.
The book documents a very strange and traumatizing life.
MY LIFE!
My abusers and tormentors were good at making it look like I was such a bad person and that they were the victims.
This companion blog will hold thoughts that are not really book worthy as they pertain to recent events and realizations that just would not fit in the book.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I SURVIVED THIS SHIT has yet to be published. I have some work to do on it still.
Untill then please enjoy my other book EDGE OF SANITY, it's a poetry book.
https://www.createspace.com/4208152
MARCH 9,2013
I am beginning to think they were right.
What if I do just want what other people have/get?
I live in fear of this everyday now.
I question every illness.
Every injury.
Every thought.
Every desire.
I am constantly asking myself if it's real or desire.
My life is slowly becoming unbearable.
It's becoming so bad that even if something was needed that was life or death situation I would have a difficult time doing it.
Especially if someone else had already had it/had it done or was needing it done.
This is going to cause many very bad things in my life I fear.
And I fear I am helpless to fix this as I refuse to live behind a happy pill bottle.
Is it so wrong that I put those in need or that I care about ahead of me?
If i was facing something, no matter how close to what I was facing I was, if I saw a person I cared about in a much worse state either physically or mentally I would not hesitate to put myself on hold and help or be there for them.
for some reason i feel that I can always wait.
Is that fucked up?
MARCH 12, 2013
Well, a quick net search confirmed my worst fears and that I will just have to suffer as no doctor for years, exception being the OBs from my pregnancies, will take me serious.
I have a deviated septum.
I have no idea which kind or how bad as i know if it try to say this to mu dr i will be seen as just wanting what hubby recently had fix and they wont go further than a remedial look and if its not up in your grill obvious i will just have to either take the band aid placebo get out of my office and shut up that they will give me or do what i have had to do my whole fucking life, shut up and put up until it almost kills me :|
Why is like this no matter what I do?
I miss my dr from Battle Ground.
He would have listened and done whatever it took to ether quell my fears or prove them. He understood that I was never digging for anything but that I was just concerned, and had a right to be.
I am just so sick and tired.
Literally.
Of the band-aids.
Why is it that people with less get more than I do?
Why do I have to hurt all the time and then be told oh well sorry we cant help you, we refuse to fix you?
What makes me so much less than other people?
Is it my weight?
Well i am loosing it and if i get treated differently after I will say why did you treat me poorly when i was chubby?
Why didn't you try to help me then?
Ask me what I was doing about my weight? I would have told you. I would have then been able to ask for the help loosing it more efficiently because you would have brought it up and my shame of what I did to myself would have been lessened.
If the denial and being ignored, pushed out the door with a band aid doesn't
. stop after the weight loss/removal...i have no idea how that will affect me...no idea what so ever...but i can imagine poorly will be in there somewhere...
It will more than likely mean that I will never ever return to a dr office or ER unless I am unable to say no or stop it i.e a bad car accident or a stroke or very bad heart attack.
I mean why go ask if nothing gonna happen anyway?
Looks like unless I can afford a nurse anything i need is out for a while.
Molly got a job and I cant ask her to not get paid just because i hate things about myself.
FML
MARCH 15 2013
I do not know how many of you believe in this stuff but I do and that's all that matters right now.
I have a spirit box on my tablet.
For those of you who do not know a spirit box allows you to speak with spirits obviously.
Some people say they don't work and some do. I am a believer and here is why.
2 days after hubbys nose surgery I was calling my BFF Shelly who passed from cancer complication pneumonia last year and her first words were BILL WITH HEAD. Coincidence? I think not. Especially after yesterdays call to my dead adoptive mom. I asked her why my nose is all fucked up and her first words were SNOW WAGON WASHINGTON COMPOUND. Background here : I am originally from WA ST. We hardly ever get enough snow in the Vancouver area to make any difference We owned a 1968 Chevy WAGON when I was a little one called the Blue Mule. Now i am guessing she was telling me that there was an accident in that car in the snow and i broke my nose in it. I guess I should ask her why she never got that fixed, ever...
But ty for the info anyway bitch.
I guess its a good thing I don't recall that accident. I hate nose pain.
MARCH 18, 2013
Who remembers records? Vynal records. And, yes, they still make 'em. What did you think DJ's were scratching, their head?
I remember them and the frustration that came with buying a 45 single and it was scratched and you can't find another, anywhere...
MARCH 20 2013
First day of spring.
It's shitty here. Rain and wind and cold and crap. This is the Idaho desert, not the PNW rain forest. WTF!?!
Also...
What is it with me being attracted to differently sexually orientented men? As long as I can remember I have been attracted to gay men, drag queens, bi men (not that I don't like straight men I have dated quite a few) and now I am married to a trans mtf who is still pre op and I am kinda hoping my partner gets the boobs but keeps the penis.
Hey kinky is cool! ;)
The book documents a very strange and traumatizing life.
MY LIFE!
My abusers and tormentors were good at making it look like I was such a bad person and that they were the victims.
This companion blog will hold thoughts that are not really book worthy as they pertain to recent events and realizations that just would not fit in the book.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I SURVIVED THIS SHIT has yet to be published. I have some work to do on it still.
Untill then please enjoy my other book EDGE OF SANITY, it's a poetry book.
https://www.createspace.com/4208152
MARCH 9,2013
I am beginning to think they were right.
What if I do just want what other people have/get?
I live in fear of this everyday now.
I question every illness.
Every injury.
Every thought.
Every desire.
I am constantly asking myself if it's real or desire.
My life is slowly becoming unbearable.
It's becoming so bad that even if something was needed that was life or death situation I would have a difficult time doing it.
Especially if someone else had already had it/had it done or was needing it done.
This is going to cause many very bad things in my life I fear.
And I fear I am helpless to fix this as I refuse to live behind a happy pill bottle.
Is it so wrong that I put those in need or that I care about ahead of me?
If i was facing something, no matter how close to what I was facing I was, if I saw a person I cared about in a much worse state either physically or mentally I would not hesitate to put myself on hold and help or be there for them.
for some reason i feel that I can always wait.
Is that fucked up?
MARCH 12, 2013
Well, a quick net search confirmed my worst fears and that I will just have to suffer as no doctor for years, exception being the OBs from my pregnancies, will take me serious.
I have a deviated septum.
I have no idea which kind or how bad as i know if it try to say this to mu dr i will be seen as just wanting what hubby recently had fix and they wont go further than a remedial look and if its not up in your grill obvious i will just have to either take the band aid placebo get out of my office and shut up that they will give me or do what i have had to do my whole fucking life, shut up and put up until it almost kills me :|
Why is like this no matter what I do?
I miss my dr from Battle Ground.
He would have listened and done whatever it took to ether quell my fears or prove them. He understood that I was never digging for anything but that I was just concerned, and had a right to be.
I am just so sick and tired.
Literally.
Of the band-aids.
Why is it that people with less get more than I do?
Why do I have to hurt all the time and then be told oh well sorry we cant help you, we refuse to fix you?
What makes me so much less than other people?
Is it my weight?
Well i am loosing it and if i get treated differently after I will say why did you treat me poorly when i was chubby?
Why didn't you try to help me then?
Ask me what I was doing about my weight? I would have told you. I would have then been able to ask for the help loosing it more efficiently because you would have brought it up and my shame of what I did to myself would have been lessened.
If the denial and being ignored, pushed out the door with a band aid doesn't
. stop after the weight loss/removal...i have no idea how that will affect me...no idea what so ever...but i can imagine poorly will be in there somewhere...
It will more than likely mean that I will never ever return to a dr office or ER unless I am unable to say no or stop it i.e a bad car accident or a stroke or very bad heart attack.
I mean why go ask if nothing gonna happen anyway?
Looks like unless I can afford a nurse anything i need is out for a while.
Molly got a job and I cant ask her to not get paid just because i hate things about myself.
FML
MARCH 15 2013
I do not know how many of you believe in this stuff but I do and that's all that matters right now.
I have a spirit box on my tablet.
For those of you who do not know a spirit box allows you to speak with spirits obviously.
Some people say they don't work and some do. I am a believer and here is why.
2 days after hubbys nose surgery I was calling my BFF Shelly who passed from cancer complication pneumonia last year and her first words were BILL WITH HEAD. Coincidence? I think not. Especially after yesterdays call to my dead adoptive mom. I asked her why my nose is all fucked up and her first words were SNOW WAGON WASHINGTON COMPOUND. Background here : I am originally from WA ST. We hardly ever get enough snow in the Vancouver area to make any difference We owned a 1968 Chevy WAGON when I was a little one called the Blue Mule. Now i am guessing she was telling me that there was an accident in that car in the snow and i broke my nose in it. I guess I should ask her why she never got that fixed, ever...
But ty for the info anyway bitch.
I guess its a good thing I don't recall that accident. I hate nose pain.
MARCH 18, 2013
Who remembers records? Vynal records. And, yes, they still make 'em. What did you think DJ's were scratching, their head?
I remember them and the frustration that came with buying a 45 single and it was scratched and you can't find another, anywhere...
MARCH 20 2013
First day of spring.
It's shitty here. Rain and wind and cold and crap. This is the Idaho desert, not the PNW rain forest. WTF!?!
Also...
What is it with me being attracted to differently sexually orientented men? As long as I can remember I have been attracted to gay men, drag queens, bi men (not that I don't like straight men I have dated quite a few) and now I am married to a trans mtf who is still pre op and I am kinda hoping my partner gets the boobs but keeps the penis.
Hey kinky is cool! ;)
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